Are you read to break the habit?
Love is blissful when it is reciprocated, but what if it isn't? As much as we may wish it to be otherwise, some people may not want to be with us in the way we want them to be with them.
Unreciprocated love is awfully difficult for some people to accept.
Here are 4 reasons people continue to pursue someone who's not interested in them:
1. You're projecting what you want to be true.
Projection is a term that’s often used in psychology to describe the ways in which we tend to see things in another person that don't apply to them. In old fairy tales, projection was depicted by pixie dust or other sorts of magic that would charm characters and awaken their feelings of true love.
In real life, projections operate more strongly when we are admiring a person from a distance. We don’t get to see the “flaws” that would become more obvious if we were to live with the person day-to-day.
2. You actually like the drama.
Some people become addicted to "the chase." It can become so intoxicating that they prefer the pain of unrequited love to the sacrifices involved in a real relationship. The fantasy becomes more important than its fulfillment. The culmination of a love relationship can bring us back to a sobering sense of reality. The glamour fades and mundane life sets in again.
This is the appeal of unrequited love is for some people. If they prolong the chase then they don’t have to face the anticlimactic sense of coming down off of the romantic high. It stimulates high drama, providing the ideal antidote to any boredom that may be lurking around in our lives.
3. You have a fear of intimacy.
Some people make a habit of avoiding real love as a way of protecting themselves. They shy away so they won't get hurt. Prolonging the search for love — in this case, pursuing it when it’s unrequited — becomes a way of keeping the sensation of being in love without the risk.
Chasing after the impossible person turns into a bargain where we satisfy our longing for connection and our need to protect our vulnerable feelings at the same time. Remaining fixated on someone who doesn’t love us allows us to feel the intensity and passion involved in relationship without the risk of commitment.
4. You're stuck in the past.
Often times a fear of love is rooted in our past. It can involve painful experiences and disappointments. It can reflect the negative impact of sexual and/or emotional abuse. It can even be a byproduct of peoples’ inborn sensitivity.
Any of these conditions can bring allure to a situation involving unrequited love. Caught in its painful cycle, we can taste passion without being swept away by it. We can nurture our desires by always keeping ourselves one step away from fulfilling them.
If you are pining over someone who is not returning your love, I urge you not to waste your time anymore. If you really desire a relationship, remember that it will not happen with out two people having the same feelings at the same time. It is difficult but necessary to take a look at yourself know what is holding you back from finding love.
Take a risk, be vulnerable and take a chance on real (and reciprocated) love. There is nothing like having a partner to share your life with whom you can count on, is emotionally available to you and more than willing to love you back.
Dr. Marni Feuerman* is a licensed psychotherapist and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships available on Amazon and everywhere else books are sold.
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*Author note: This article originally appeared on YourTango.com. Some of the concepts are elaborated upon in the book, Ghosted and Breadcrumbed.
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